Living Conditions
by Amber Mushi
Summary: Olcadan had no idea how much Soul Edge was really worth and sold it. With the money, he buys a mansion and invites people to stay while he tries to get it back. Everyone who wants anything to do with Soul Edge comes and goes. Stuff happens. Amazing stuff.
1. Room 9

Standard opening chapter. Promise you'll be back.

Disclaimer: I do not own Soul Calibur, its characters or anything else that may appear in this story.

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**Living Conditions**

Ch. 1 – "Room 9"

Kilik stared at the doors to the mansion…or what he suspected had been called a mansion in a past life. He looked down at the piece of parchment with the directions written on it with disbelief. This couldn't be right. He must have taken a wrong turn somewhere. After checking the address and building description multiple times and not finding an error to his disappointment, he pushed open the double doors with care and entered. He walked across the hall and made his way into the main room.

"I'LL DESTROY YOU!" Zasalamel roared as he swung his scythe at his target.

Tira blocked the blow with her ring. "I'd like to see you try, you bald freak!" she hissed back. Kilik stood dumbfounded and looked around the dilapidated 'mansion' while trying to ignore the battle suddenly and inexplicably taking place a few meters before him. He quickly scanned his surroundings. He noticed a red haired boy with a young girl lounging on a couch observing the battle. They looked almost…bored. In another corner near the stairs, he noticed the Alexandra sisters whom he had met a while ago on his journey across the continent. Raphael Sorel too, was also here, leaning on the railing looking vain as usual. _That slimy bastard_, Kilik thought.

"ENOUGH!" Everything stopped. All was quiet and still as the people inside the main room looked around to locate the source of the voice that had seemingly come from nowhere. From above the stairs, Olcadan revealed himself and jumped over the railing, doing three full somersaults in the air before landing on his feet in an Olympic style pose. Tira burst into applause and cheered, her previous fierce skirmish with Zasalamel forgotten.

Olcadan cleared his throat and began to speak. "Well, the nine of you will take up all the rooms I have."

Kilik did a quick mental count of the people in the room. Not counting Olcadan, he only counted eight. Who was the ninth?

A hissing sound was heard as Lizardman came crashing into the room through the wall. It happened so suddenly that several people let out high pitched squeals, most notably Cassandra and Raphael. Kilik felt his jaw drop and couldn't help but stare at the half-lizard, half-man. Lizardman noticed all the screams and stares he was getting and promptly ran out the room sobbing, creating another hole in the wall.

"I'm a monster!" the group heard from another room.

Olcadan resumed speaking. "Anyways, let me explain the situation. As you all know, I recently came into possession of the sword known as Soul Edge," he said, making air quotes when he said the words 'Soul Edge.'

"This Soul Edge (again, air quotes) was apparently worth more than I had initially thought. I have recently obtained new information that has made it obvious that with Soul Edge comes great power. However, not having known that back then, I sold it. In fact, that's probably why I got so much money for it," he mused to himself.

"You sold it?" eight incredulous voices and one far-off unintelligible growl asked him.

"Yes," Olcadan said with no shame at how stupid his decision now seemed. "I knew that damn shopkeeper was hiding something from me!"

"So why the HELL did you make us come here then?" Cassandra spoke up.

"LANGUAGE!" thundered Olcadan, causing several people to wince at his volume. He cleared his throat before speaking again.

"Anyways, as you all know, the eight-" The group heard a loud wail from another room.

"Er…nine," Olcadan continued. "The nine of you were the first sensible looking people I could find and I decided to invite you all to my mansion to assist me in my quest of reclaiming Soul Edge. Or you can just sit around this house I guess and wait for me to get it."

"I don't think this owl man understand the seriousness of this situation," Kilik thought to himself. He took a look around at the other people in the room. He noticed looks of hunger in their faces. He prepared himself mentally. These people would stop at nothing to get that evil sword, he knew that much.

Olcadan interrupted Kilik's thoughts. "I have one room sanctioned off as the guest room, so as long as it's one person at a time, or people are willing to share rooms, I'm fine with any guests staying here. And I really do mean any guests. Please tell your friends to stop by," he said with a hopeful look on his face.

"Any questions?"

"Yeah, I got a question," Yunsung started without getting up. "Why of all the places you could have bought with the money you got for Soul Edge, did you choose to buy this dump?"

The other guests murmured their agreement.

"Uh…" Olcadan stuttered. "Quick! Everybody pick their rooms!" The topic at hand was forgotten as people rushed to find empty rooms.

Kilik suddenly found himself the only one left and without a room. He ventured to find the closest empty one.

The first two doors he came across already had chains and locks over the handle preventing entry. "Somebody must have wanted these rooms really bad," Kilik said to himself.

He opened the door to Room 3 and found himself staring at Raphael in a revealing red dress, admiring himself in the mirror. Kilik blinked. And blinked once more, trying to process in his mind what he was seeing. Raphael didn't let him. Upon noticing Kilik, he grabbed his rapier and charged with the blade directed toward his heart. "GET OUT CHINA MAN!" he yelled.

"I'm not Chinese," Kilik muttered while rushing out of the room, narrowly avoiding the blow. Trying to forget what just happened, he peaked inside Room 4 where the door was already open. Tira was inside, laughing and clapping incessantly at something written on the wall. He moved on.

The door to Room 5 was shut. As was the door to Room 6, except that the door to Room 6 was sliced in half, granting Kilik a view inside anyways. Everything inside was cut in half, from the bed to the drawer. _These living conditions are getting a little ridiculous_, he thought. He looked back at Room 5 and noticed a hand-made sign over it saying "KEEP OUT" with a heart accompanying the words.

Kilik moved on, growing weary of both the search for an empty room and the tendencies of his new housemates. As he walked past Room 7, he heard some moaning. _Sounds like trouble_, he thought. He shoved open the door, armed with his rod to find Sophitia naked on top of her bed. Their eyes met and Sophitia smiled at him. "Hello, do you want to come in?" Kilik quickly shut the door, face red from embarrassment and shock. The moaning inside resumed and Kilik tried his best to ignore it and continued on.

He moved past Room 8 only to hear sobbing from the inside. He rolled his eyes and gritted his teeth in frustration. This was trying his patience. "I guess that leaves me with Room 9," he said out loud.

Not too far from the door to Room 8, he finally noticed "Room 9."

"This has got to be some kind of joke…" he said to nobody in particular. "Room 9" was not even a room. He could clearly see that it was about closet size and adjacently linked to Room 8. Somebody had scribbled "Room 9" on a piece of parchment and hastily attached it to the door. Kilik dejectedly sighed and entered his closet. He immediately noticed that Lizardman's crying was clearly audible no matter where he went inside his 'room.' The small bed by itself took up more than 3/4ths of all the space. He cursed his luck wondered for the fifth time that evening if he really was the only normal one in the house.

He placed his trusty rod Kali-Yuga down and laid down on the mattress. Uncomfortably looking up at the ceiling and listening to Lizardman cry, he let out another sigh. "Hopefully, this will all be over soon," he said.

His statement was met by Lizardman crying even louder, several streams of profanity from the other guests, and a crash in the distance. It was going to be an interesting stay.

* * *

Meanwhile…

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Olcadan stroked his chin and began talking to himself. "These fools have no idea that this is all actually a part of my secret plot to end my loneliness and finally gain some friends." He let out an evil laugh before abruptly falling asleep.

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A/N: Olcadan just wants friends!


	2. Misunderstandings

Here's Ch. 2!

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Ch. 2 – Misunderstandings

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Kilik awoke to find a red-haired girl of about twelve years old staring interestedly at him. He let out a surprised yell and fell over his bed…or would have if there had been any space to fall over. The small space left in the closet…room he was staying in did not permit it. He sat up and blinked, trying to absorb what was happening at the moment. The girl continued to stare. The girl blinked. Kilik blinked again. The girl blinked, still staring with her wide open eyes. Kilik finally spoke.

"Uh… who are you?"

The girl blinked. "Amy," she said softly. She opened the door and ran out without talking any further. Kilik blinked again trying to figure out what had happened. He seemed to be doing that a lot lately.

After washing up, he made his way into the dining area. The smell of fresh eggs and bread filled the halls and Kilik realized he was hungry. He eagerly hurried to the source of the smell and was surprised to find Sophitia cooking. He wasn't surprised by the fact that she was cooking. Rather, what surprised him was that she was wearing nothing but an apron. Her gigantic breasts moved freely about under the apron and Kilik was desperately looking around to find anything else to stare at. Sophitia noticed Kilik had arrived.

"Good morning," she said warmly with a smile on her face while frying more eggs. Kilik stammered in response. "Sit down with everyone else and we'll have breakfast," she said, motioning to the table where Kilik saw Talim, Yunsung and Zasalamel sitting. They didn't seem bothered by the fact that they were being served by someone who was wearing nothing but an apron at all.

"Okay," Kilik said numbly, sitting down. Yunsung was staring into space disinterestedly while Talim was absentmindedly playing with her food. Zasalamel suddenly grabbed his scythe and brought it down with a roar, slashing the table in half. Nobody even flinched.

"Hey baldy," Yunsung said. "How about you try NOT to break everything in the house?"

Zasalamel glared. "Are you asking for a fight?"

"With you? No, I'm pretty sure I'd wipe the floor with you," Yunsung scoffed. "I wouldn't want to waste my time."

A growl escaped Zasalamel's throat. "Don't push it, kid."

"Why don't both of you just shut up?" Talim asked suddenly with a fake cheeriness in her voice.

The two arguing looked at her with puzzled looks on their faces. This wasn't the Talim they knew.

She feigned remorse and said, "Oh did I say that? I'm sorry. I meant peace and let the wind guide you. You know… the usual bullshit I'm saying." She went back to playing with her food, continuing to ignore the looks Zasalamel and Yunsung were giving her.

The little outburst from Talim had piqued Yunsung's interest. Was something going on with her? It definitely wasn't anything like the Talim he had spent time traveling with.

Kilik had managed to quietly eat his breakfast throughout all this. _These people are all so irritable_, he thought. The silence was unnerving. He decided to break the tension by changing the subject.

"So…has anybody else seen that little red-haired girl around here? Who is she?"

The trio at the table looked up at him from their food with blank faces. They simultaneously went back to their food, each muttering something under his or her breath.

"And they call me crazy," Zasalamel said.

"Freak," Yunsung said.

"Pedophile," Talim said.

Kilik blinked. What had he done wrong? He had simply asked a harmless question and was instantly met with universal scorn. It almost sounded like it had been rehearsed. His train of thought was broken as he felt something huge was beginning to envelop his head.

"Oh don't worry about them," Sophitia said from behind Kilik. She had positioned herself so her breasts were rubbing against the back of his head as she wrapped her arms around his neck. "They're just grumpy because of the message Olcadan left."

Kilik was too busy trying to ignore the tight feeling in his pants to hear Sophitia reply. He tried to be absolutely still to prevent further embarrassment. Sophitia leaned closer to his face and whispered in his ear, "I could show you if you want."

"Sure!" Kilik abruptly said, not exactly clear on what Sophitia wanted to show him. He concentrated all his will into his privates and stood up once he was certain that nothing would show. "Let's go," he nervously said to Sophitia. She giggled and took his hand before leading him to the main hall, slowly caressing his fingers with each step.

"Here we are!" she ecstatically announced. Kilik prepared himself for what he was about to see. He blinked and realized he was looking at a note written in what was perhaps the worst handwriting he had ever seen.

"Dear guests," the note read. "Excuse my absence this morning but I have received important information regarding the whereabouts of Soul Edge. It is actually on its way to a recently discovered continent and I have embarked on a journey to locate it. Do not miss me too much. I will be back soon. Love, Olcadan."

Kilik rubbed his eyes. They hurt from his efforts in trying to decipher the chicken scratch on the note. His disappointment at not seeing whatever he thought Sophitia was showing him was replaced by another sinking feeling. "So it's on the way to another continent…" he mused. Unbeknownst to him and the rest of the guests, Olcadan had not moved from his spot in the house since last night. He had merely been scared that the guests would leave and devised a plan to keep them in his house longer.

"So we are probably going to be staying here for longer than we first expected. That's why the others were a little grumpy," Sophitia said, her right hand slowly massaging her left breast. They seemed to bulge out at Kilik, screaming at him to take a hold of them. He swallowed nervously and tried once again to change the subject.

"So have you seen that red-haired girl?"

Sophitia looked at him with raised eyebrows. Oh no, Kilik thought, bracing himself for whatever insult she would throw at him. Here it comes.

"Oh," Sophitia started. "You must mean Amy. She's Raphael's foster daughter."

Kilik breathed a sigh of relief. "So I'm not seeing things? That's a relief. The way those other three looked at me, I thought for sure I- wait…Raphael's daughter?"

"Foster daughter," Sophitia corrected.

"Even so!" Kilik fell silent for a second. "That poor girl…I have to save her!" He marched off in search of Amy, leaving Sophitia to rub her breasts alone in the hall.

"So much sudden interest in a little girl," Sophitia said to herself. "Must be some kind of pedophile. After all, he didn't respond to anything I did…" She went off to her room, thinking about new ways to get people in the house to notice her figure.

Kilik came across Raphael who was cornered by Cassandra in another part of the house.

"Oh come on! Why not?" Cassandra was saying.

"I don't like women," Raphael replied with disdain.

"Are you even a man?" Cassandra exploded. "How can you resist this opportunity?"

"Because," Raphael said with a grin. "You're revolting."

"Hey!"

Both looked at the source of the voice to find Kilik looking outstandingly heroic. "Raphael!" Kilik's voice boomed. "Where is Amy?"

The looks on both Cassandra and Raphael's faces underwent drastic changes. Cassandra carried a look of utter disgust as she looked at Kilik while Raphael's was a mixture of horror and furious anger.

"Don't you DARE go near my Amy! YOU. SICK. PEDOPHILE," Raphael hissed as he moved closer to Kilik with every word.

The heroic aura left Kilik in an instant. "What?" he sputtered. "Why do people keep thinking I'm a pedophile? I'm not!"

"Don't speak to me!" Raphael thundered. He grabbed Cassandra's hand, causing her to squeal with excitement, and led her away. "Come on, woman. We'll discuss this elsewhere."

Cassandra left with a dreamy look on her face and stuck her tongue out at Kilik as she was walking away.

Kilik sank to the ground in distress. Where had it all gone wrong? Only a day into his stay and he had somehow managed to wrongly convince all the residents he was a pedophile. "WHY?" he cried with his hands stretched to the ceiling.

"Oh, don't worry about that," a voice said to him. "They just don't understand. You shouldn't let that discourage you."

Kilik looked around to see who spoke. He was getting a little tired of these people, to be honest. He soon found himself face to face with Tira. "Aaaahhh!" he screamed in surprise. There were literally only about an inch separating their faces. He backed up while trying to catch his breath.

Tira giggled. "Oh, silly. What are you afraid of? It's just little old me!"

"You?" Kilik sputtered. "You're that crazy bipolar girl they keep talking about!"

"Oh that…well they tend to exaggerate these things…you know how it is."

"Right…" Kilik said.

"Anyways, let's discuss our little problem here," Tira said, changing the subject. "You seem to be in denial."

"Wait, what?"

"I'm here to support you all the way. You just have to accept the way you are."

"What are you talking about?"

"I've been hearing that you're a pedophile."

"I'm not!"

"Yes you are. Anybody could see that. You have that look about you."

"What look? This is crazy!"

"I understand exactly how you feel. Sometimes all you need is a nice prepubescent girl to hit the right spot. Or a boy. Take your pick," Tira said shrugging.

"No!" Kilik cried exasperatingly. "Everyone's got it wrong!"

Tira gave him a little wink. "Of course." Then she frowned. "Although I have to say, Amy? She's a little too old, isn't she? Almost twelve. Golly. Now you know Sophitia? That ho has the cutest little daughter. I met her a while ago when I infiltrated their house to kidnap her kids and she is tooooo cute. I think I can introduce you if you-"

At this point, Kilik ran screaming in the other direction.

Tira stood in the hall sucking her finger. "That poor boy…all alone in his struggle." After a moment's thought, she assumed a heroic pose. "I have to save him!"


	3. It All Started with the Bread

Disclaimer: blah blah blah I own nothing. This story is not meant to be taken seriously.

I realized that I forgot who had each room and decided it would be nice to have a list as sort of a status update.

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Master Room – Olcadan  
Guest Room – Empty  
Room 1 – Talim  
Room 2 – Yunsung  
Room 3 – Raphael  
Room 4 – Tira  
Room 5 – Cassandra  
Room 6 – Zasalamel  
Room 7 – Sophitia  
Room 8 – Lizardman  
"Room 9" – Kilik

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**Ch. 3 – It All Started with the Bread…**

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Kilik sleepily walked down the stairs. He was on his way to the kitchen when he noticed Olcadan lying down on the couch in the hall, eating a rat. "Hey Olcadan," he mumbled as he walked by. He froze up a second later to look back at the owl man.

"What are you doing?"

"What does it look like I'm doing?" Olcadan grumpily replied. "I'm having breakfast."

"No," Kilik said. "I meant what are you doing here? You told us you were going to be on a trip to a recently discovered continent because you had information that Soul Edge was there!"

Olcadan stared up at the ceiling and took another nibble out of the rat he was holding. "Oh that? Yeah…I didn't FEEL like it. You'll soon get to know me better and one thing I always say is I have to FEEL like doing something before I do it. But no worries there, old chap. It's bound to turn up around here sooner or later." He let out a hearty laugh.

Kilik could not believe what he was hearing. "Turn up around here sooner or later? We're supposed to just sit around on our asses while we wait for the most evil sword in the world that every warrior in the world is after to supposedly turn up here in this shoddy dump for a town? Are you out of your mind?"

Olcadan looked embarrassed. "Please, watch your language. And well, when you put it like that… you make it sound like it's the worst thing in the world. But really, there's nothing to worry about. I assure you the sword is safe."

"Somehow that doesn't reassure me," Kilik muttered under his breath. "Do you even understand that the reason anybody is staying in this rundown excuse for a mansion which you obviously got ripped off for is for a chance to reach the sword? You know, the one that could end up DESTROYING THE WORLD?

"PLEASE!" Olcadan yelled with tears in his eyes. "If you were in my situation, you would understand that there was a REASON I couldn't go."

"Oh yeah? What's that?"

"I couldn't leave you guys all by yourselves. You'd get lonely," he sniffled.

Kilik threw up his hands in exasperation and decided to give up talking to their obviously insane host. He hadn't been this upset in a while. It wasn't how he was supposed to act. All of his training would become undone if he wasn't careful. Grumbling to himself, he looked around the kitchen for food when something struck him as strange about the situation he was in minutes before. He went back to the couch where Olcadan was now doing push-ups, yelling motivational phrases to himself.

"YES BABY! YOU CAN DO IT! NOBODY IS GREATER THAN THE GREAT OLCADAN! SO WHAT IF YOU HAVE AN OWL HEAD? YOU ARE AWESOME!"

"Er…" Kilik interrupted. He was not quite sure how to approach the subject. He wasn't even sure what he saw had actually happened. He finally got the words out of his mouth. "Er…were you eating a rat?"

Olcadan stopped doing push-ups and started balancing himself on his right index finger. "Certainly."

"Uh… okay." Unable to process this information fully, he left in a daze back to the kitchen. When he got there, he noticed that the bread he had been preparing for himself was half-eaten. His eyes were immediately drawn to the source of the bite marks. He approached her slowly as she looked back with widened eyes.

"Amy?" he said softly. "Were you hungry?"

"Amy," she replied. Then she ran away.

He sighed. He had to figure out a way to reach the poor girl. Being in Raphael's care had obviously been harmful for her. Thoughts interrupted by his stomach growling, he reached for the other half of the bread only to notice it was suddenly gone.

"Wha… It was here a second ago. I swear I saw it…"

"Hey guy," a voice said to him. "Awesome bread." Cassandra popped the last bit of bread into her mouth and yawned.

"What?" A dumbfounded Kilik said out loud, wondering what he had done to deserve the company of such miserable people like bread thieves.

"Why did you do that?" he asked tearfully.

Cassandra raised her eyebrows in puzzlement. "Do what?"

"That was my bread…"

"Oh was it? I'll make up for it somehow." She appeared to be thinking for a moment. "Take this!"

Kilik had no time to protect himself as Cassandra jumped towards him, butt first. He fell down and exactly one second later felt the full weight of her body as she sat on his face.

"Mmffmfffff!" he screamed as best as he could.

"Yeah! You like this kind of stuff?"

"What's going on here?" a new voice asked. Kilik finally managed to force Cassandra's ass off his face and gasped for air. He found Sophitia staring at him blankly with her arms crossed.

"What's going on here?" she asked again.

"Uh…I can explain," Kilik said.

"Yeah! He can explain!" Cassandra jumped in.

"Wait a minute!" He turned his head toward Cassandra. "You started this!"

He was promptly slapped in the face.

"How dare you!" Cassandra shouted and stormed off.

Sophitia immediately rushed to Kilik's side and placed his head on her chest. "Shh. It's okay. I'm here now," she crooned.

"No, this is all a big misunderstanding!"

Sophitia paid him no attention and buried his face between her breasts. "I understand perfectly. You obviously attempted to have intercourse with my sister. And here I was so worried about you. There were some nasty rumors going around that you were a pedophile. I'm so happy right now." Tears of joy began to form in her eyes.

Kilik once again sensed that he was in the company of an insane person and pulled himself away. "AH! I can't take this anymore!" With a determined, half-crazy look in his eyes, he ran away from the now weeping woman and stumbled up the stairs. He kicked down the door to his room, grabbed Kali-Yuga and tried to find the nearest exit possible. As he rushed down the upper hall, he bumped into Talim and Yunsung, heading down to eat breakfast.

"Hey! You wanna watch out?" Yunsung said. "What's wrong with you?"

"I have to get out of here," Kilik muttered to himself, not hearing any words besides his own. He gripped Kali-Yuga tighter and looked around nervously for the exit (which he had strangely forgotten the location of) before he ran into any more people.

"Hey! I'm talking to you!" Yunsung said, annoyed at being ignored.

"Leave him alone," Talim said as Kilik let out a yell of frustration at having lost his sense of direction. "I heard he's a pedophile. Probably looking for his next victim, the sick bastard."

"Um…you know you're only like 15 right?"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You could be his next victim!" Yunsung gasped as if he had made a startling discovery.

Talim hit his head in response. "Don't be stupid. Pedophilia refers to prepubescent individuals. I am a sexually mature girl and therefore pedophiles would have no interest in me."

"Keep telling yourself that," Yunsung muttered as he walked away. "Sexually mature, my ass." Talim scowled.

Meanwhile, Kilik jumped for joy. What looked like the exit was staring at him in the face. "Freedom is mine!" He nervously looked around for anything that could stop him. Nothing. He slowly parted the curtain hanging from the top and was relieved beyond belief to see that it was indeed the exit. He took a deep breath and took his first step outside. Nothing happened. He took another. Still nothing. He laughed nervously as he took a few more steps outside. The wind blew on his face and he grew more confident that nothing could stop him from leaving this accursed mansion. And yet, something felt strange. He took five more steps and broke into a full stride, a big grin on his face as he made his way to anywhere else.

"!"

Kilik's face fell. The high-pitched scream he heard sounded like trouble to him. "No, these people would scream over the smallest, stupidest thing," a voice inside told him. "It means nothing! Leave them!"

"I can't!" he said to nobody in particular. "I can't turn my back on anybody who might need my help. I swore I would never do that again." A dark look passed over his face as he remembered more unfortunate times at the temple.

Wondering if he was about to regret his decision, he rushed back into the mansion and searched for the source of the scream.

"!" Kilik ran as fast as he could to where the sound was coming from. He was close. He agilely leaped across and ducked under furniture and turned the corner where he found…

"Raphael?" Kilik said. "What's going on? Who was screaming?"

The Frenchman gave him a cold stare. "Funny you should ask. You seem to know a bit too much about this…"

"Know about what? What just happened? Who was screaming? I heard a scream!"

"Enough! Die already!" Raphael pulled out his rapier from his sheath and pointed at Kilik's throat.

Kilik gripped Kali-Yuga tighter. He sensed Raphael about to stab and moved his neck away from harm and expertly disarmed him. Raphael was knocked to the ground and Kilik put his foot down on his chest to keep him from moving.

"Please! Just tell me what happened!"

Raphael started to cry. "What's the point? It's all over anyways!"

"What? What's over?"

"My poor Amy! What did you do to her?" he moaned.

The accusation shocked Kilik. He held on to his rod for support as he tried to still figure out what the hell had happened. "What?"

"You heard me!" Raphael yelled at him, still on the floor even though Kilik had by now moved away from him.

"Why would I do anything to her!" Kilik yelled back.

"Isn't it obvious?" Raphael said while flailing his arms.

"What? This whole pedophile thing?" He was angry. "Look I don't know where you people got the idea but I am NOT A PEDOPHILE!"

"Did someone say… pedophile?"

Kilik and Raphael turned their heads to Tira who had just somersaulted her way into the scene. She bounced up and gave Kilik a hug.

"Hiya fellow pedo-buddy!" she said brightly. "You got any plans for today? Cuz I've been meaning to tell you, a house not far from here has some delicious looking prospects!"

Kilik looked at Tira as if he wanted to hit her. "Are you out of your mind? What's wrong with you?"

Tira giggled. "Oh silly, I was only joking." She batted her eyes and stroked his chin. He pushed her away. "Never mind all that. Where's Amy?"

"Ooh" Tira squealed. "I like your taste!"

"SHUT UP!" Kilik roared. All of the inhabitants of the mansion rushed to the scene to see what was going on.

"Will somebody PLEASE TELL ME WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?" Kilik screamed.

A door was kicked in. "FEAR NOT!" said the newcomer. "I will explain EVERYTHING."

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A/N: WHO is this mysterious newcomer?

WHAT has happened to Amy?

WHEN will anything start making sense?

WHY did I decide typing like this?

MAYBE reviews *cough* can answer everything!


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